i wish to be real to me

I wish to be real to me. To learn what I want in life and achieve it.

I used to blog under another account, but it was superficial and it was with my identity. I'm hoping this blog will serve as an outlet for whatever goes in my mind while protecting my identity.

I often act all zen, like I don't care, but reality is I often worry those things for a long time or they keep re-occurring in my thoughts over and over again.

Reading is my way of escaping reality and I read a lot.

I used to be healthy and work out, now I've become an emotional eater and gained weight. I don't feel comfortable with this weight and I'm working on to ridding the habit of emotional eating.

I feel like no one would want me, so I don't even bother socializing. I can go weeks without talking (actually talking, not writing over internet) to another adult. I wish I had more friends and I wish I would find that special someone, but I'm scared of letting people close. I'm afraid they wouldn't like me after all, and by that point, it would hurt to loose them. I wish the few close friends I have would live closer.

Self explanatory, I'd think.

I hate socializing because it scares me.

I express myself much better in written world. In f-f conversations, I often struggle getting my thoughts into sense making words.

When I care about someone once, I'll never stop caring even if that bond breaks.

I tend to over analyze and over think. I struggle falling to sleep simply because my brains refuse to stfu.

While I struggle and crumble at times, while I sometimes feel like giving up, I'll never will.

I'm protective of the people I care about.

My moods swing a lot, bipolar rollercoaster. I feel too deep.

I often feel like I'm not good enough. I see more bad than good in me. I wish I could just accept myself for who I am.

When I do something wrong, I keep feeling sorry about it and apologizing after for a long time.

Half of my family anyway, because they almost always make me feel bad. My "mother" gave me and my siblings a bad, violent and emotionally unstable childhood. My oldest sister got it worse and I think that's why she hates me. She has hated me for as long as I can remember. It doesn't matter if I act nice and polite.

I'm curious about the way mind works and how people interact with each other. I like observing people.

I wish I wasn't so scared of socializing and I wish I could make new friends.

I'm always tensed and sauna relaxes my muscles.

.. When I figure out what exactly it is I want out of my life.

It took me a long time to forgive. I still wish at times that my past would just go away.

I enjoy making the people I care about happy, making them laugh, cheering them up and surprising them.

I have a bad self esteem what comes to how I look. I feel awkward when people compliment me.

I wish I wasn't so afraid of letting people close, because I'm missing letting close all the amazing people too while being scared of getting hurt.

I still regret the few times I've broken someone's trust. And it's been years.

I feel joy of doing silly things such as blowing bubbles, jumping in the puddles when no one's watching, catching snowflakes with my tongue etc.

I'm 23 and I still don't know what exactly I want out of my future. It bothers me.

I appreciate honesty and I'm generally too honest.

I love all writing.

I hate mornings generally and I'm not a morning person.

My daughter means the world to me and for her well being I would do anything.

I'd love to be a successful author one day, but where I live, it doesn't bring money to the table.

We are Earth's downfall. I generally think modern day people are selfish in the sense we keep driving for more (often materia) and struggle accepting what we already have.

History fascinates me and I love reading and watching historic shows.

I try to be realistic and not have high expectations.

Thuderstorms are one of the most beautiful thing I know of.

And it goes like Whoops, Awkwarrrrrd or oh shit. And the response usually is.. wtf M.

I have pride of managing things on my own.

I push or try to push people away when I'm scared.

I always try to keep my sad emotions to myself. In generally, crying is hard for me and I always have a headache afterwards.

When I care, there's no uncare switch on me even if I get hurt.

.. even if it means letting them go.

When I'm excited or nervous.

I love old movies because there's something so carefree about them.

I expect a lot from myself and judge myself easy if things don't go the way I hoped.

Truth be told, I never saw myself being a mother, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Literally. I used to read them with flashlight in a clothing closed, it was the only place I could be in peace.

And even with all the hurting, it was worth it.

I used to self harm; cut, burn, bite, scratch.. But thankfully I've learned other ways to cope and use them even if I still sometimes feel like hurting myself.